Desolation.
yeah. great, huh?
Desolation - perceived absence of God. If I'm honest; really, really honest -- I've felt that he was absent or not paying attention to me for a long-long time. I'm worried that I've received the answers to a couple of fervent prayers and I just don't like those answers. I don't want to give up on God - I fear I've given up on me.
So...had a retreat this past Friday. It was spent listening to the big boss lay some Ignatian spirituality on us. The first bit was "eh". Then after lunch he was speaking of stuff that made my brain engage. From St. Ignatius of Loyola's First Set of Rules (Rules for the Discernment of Spirits):
4th Rule: "Of Spiritual Desolation. I call desolation all the contrary of the third rule, such as darkness of soul, disturbance in it, movement to things low and earthly, the unquiet of different agitations and tempatations, moving to want of confidence, without hope, without love, when one finds oneself all lazy, tepid, sad, and as if separated from his Creator and Lord."
Oh yeah. That sounds familiar. How 'bout this:
7th Rule: "Let him who is in desolation consider how the Lord has left him in trial in his natural powers, in order to resist the different agitations and temptations of the enemy; since he can with the Divine help, which always remans to him, though he does not clearly perceive it: because the Lord has taken from him his great fervor great love and intense grace, leaving him, however, grace enought for eternal salvation."
Yeah, great. NOT very helpful really. Even more fun - the 9th rule three principal reasons you may find yourself in desolation:
"...because of our being tepid, lazy or negligent n our spiritual exercises; and so through our faults, spiritual consolation withdraws from us.
...to try us and see how much we are and how much we let ourselves out in His service and praise without such great pay of consolation and great graces
...to give us true acquaintance and knowledge, that we may interiorly feel that it is not ours to get or keep great devotion, intense love, tears, or any other speretual consolation, but that all is the gift and grace of God our Lord, and that we may not build a nest in a thing not ours, raising our intellect into some pride or vainglory, attributing to us devotion or the other things of spirtual consolation"
Awww jeeze. I have to admit I have felt pretty desolate. Not to mention stifled. My self-evaluation has not been positive lately. The personal pity-parties are becoming more frequent. I have to be mindful of the things I watch and the things I read elsewise the ugly cry starts and it's difficult to stop.
But wait!!! There is hope (or at least stuff I'm gonna cling to like there's no tomorrow):
Desolation is a time when we can grow in our spiritual life. We can awaken and fight against the desolation. To fight against the desolation without consolation will help us become like Jesus.......
Just give me strength to fight desolation.
Go back to things that have given us peace before (unfortunately, I don't think pitching a tent behind the house for adoration would fly).
God has consoled me in the past and he will console me again (I think I need to tattoo this to my arm).
God always wants to console us (uhm yes please! like now if you don't mind).
At least I have a name for it. It makes sense. Thanks St. Ignatius (Ora pro nobis!)
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