Monday, October 26, 2009

Whenever i arrive somewhere alone, I wish so much to be met. *sigh*

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Alas, My Malaise has a name...

Desolation.

yeah. great, huh?

Desolation - perceived absence of God. If I'm honest; really, really honest -- I've felt that he was absent or not paying attention to me for a long-long time. I'm worried that I've received the answers to a couple of fervent prayers and I just don't like those answers. I don't want to give up on God - I fear I've given up on me.

So...had a retreat this past Friday. It was spent listening to the big boss lay some Ignatian spirituality on us. The first bit was "eh". Then after lunch he was speaking of stuff that made my brain engage. From St. Ignatius of Loyola's First Set of Rules (Rules for the Discernment of Spirits):

4th Rule: "Of Spiritual Desolation. I call desolation all the contrary of the third rule, such as darkness of soul, disturbance in it, movement to things low and earthly, the unquiet of different agitations and tempatations, moving to want of confidence, without hope, without love, when one finds oneself all lazy, tepid, sad, and as if separated from his Creator and Lord."

Oh yeah. That sounds familiar. How 'bout this:

7th Rule: "Let him who is in desolation consider how the Lord has left him in trial in his natural powers, in order to resist the different agitations and temptations of the enemy; since he can with the Divine help, which always remans to him, though he does not clearly perceive it: because the Lord has taken from him his great fervor great love and intense grace, leaving him, however, grace enought for eternal salvation."

Yeah, great. NOT very helpful really. Even more fun - the 9th rule three principal reasons you may find yourself in desolation:

"...because of our being tepid, lazy or negligent n our spiritual exercises; and so through our faults, spiritual consolation withdraws from us.

...to try us and see how much we are and how much we let ourselves out in His service and praise without such great pay of consolation and great graces

...to give us true acquaintance and knowledge, that we may interiorly feel that it is not ours to get or keep great devotion, intense love, tears, or any other speretual consolation, but that all is the gift and grace of God our Lord, and that we may not build a nest in a thing not ours, raising our intellect into some pride or vainglory, attributing to us devotion or the other things of spirtual consolation"


Awww jeeze. I have to admit I have felt pretty desolate. Not to mention stifled. My self-evaluation has not been positive lately. The personal pity-parties are becoming more frequent. I have to be mindful of the things I watch and the things I read elsewise the ugly cry starts and it's difficult to stop.

But wait!!! There is hope (or at least stuff I'm gonna cling to like there's no tomorrow):

Desolation is a time when we can grow in our spiritual life. We can awaken and fight against the desolation. To fight against the desolation without consolation will help us become like Jesus.......

Just give me strength to fight desolation.

Go back to things that have given us peace before (unfortunately, I don't think pitching a tent behind the house for adoration would fly).

God has consoled me in the past and he will console me again (I think I need to tattoo this to my arm).

God always wants to console us (uhm yes please! like now if you don't mind).

At least I have a name for it. It makes sense. Thanks St. Ignatius (Ora pro nobis!)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A summer of tweets - just for fun.

For chronological correctness please start from bottom. Times are Tehran, Iran - but have changed that back to Pacific time.


omg NPH you are the awesome from txt

@sugartoes yes!!! that's the one. gah! they so win tearjerking jerks from web in reply to sugartoes

curse you at&t lost puppy commercial!! from txt

lolz at Southwes airlines bags fly free commercial. also...woo seahawks sack!!! from txt

oh yes halftime @ a highschool football game and Ironman from the percussion heavy band ftw from txt

awesomee speaker for inservice makes me happy from txt

downloaded oodles of peter,paul, & mary for the iPod from txt

RIP Mary Travers from txt

ricky gervais on the daily show... "cakes are good and they have them in supermarkets" from txt

top chef...lol...it's really bad when one of the judges spits your food out from txt

awkward verbal sniping event at staff mtg today. freaked the newbees a bit from web

am feeling....lost...save me? from web

RIP Patrick Swayze from txt

taylor swift does a cute number on the VMAs..take that kanye (mr. rudie pants) from txt

and thus the fair audubon color your own button tradition continues from txt

lollers at sneaky pix of a guys hebrew tats to be translated later by sis's hebrew speaking pal from txt

doin the puyallup fair from txt

b.s. meter off the charts repubs worried abt debt to nxt gen. for healthcare - weren't worried when passing $$ for war from txt

r/t @TomBodett Had Obama shouted back, "Shut your pie hole, Wilson" we'd live in a different country today. Maybe not better, but different. from web

ya know what j wilson (r-sc) apologize all you want...it's worthless. most of us have enough self control to keep our mouths shut. for shame from web

@sugartoes right?!?! also, they always talk about how bad the dems are.....no leg to stand on now from web in reply to sugartoes

@sugartoes stay klassy with a "k" repubs from web in reply to sugartoes

@sugartoes that was exactly Nancy's look from web in reply to sugartoes

and also..somebody is going to get a talking to after the president's speech nancy and joe are taking names from txt

also..lol..looked like john kerry was flashing the hairy eye-ball toward republicans from txt

am still in awe that this intelligent well-spoken man is our president. from txt

tickled to see former wa governor Gary Locke as part of Obama's cabinet from txt

@sugartoes nah. I made them feel really uncomfortable (in a teaching an object lesson kinda way) from web in reply to sugartoes

it is twenty after eight pm and I could go to bed right now from txt

talked all day. making myself stay awake so I don't sit straight up at 2:00am. also, suspect at least 2 students are racist. from web

first day of school nervous tummy - even the teachers get excited/nervous from txt

omg office supply store must keep self control from txt

sound transit link light rail ftw from txt

link stop in tunnel kinda confusing from txt

woo my boys won woot from txt

have made it to qwest field for football...now to get to a seahawks game from txt

walking into qwest field woot! from txt

riding link light rail to seattle woo! from txt

big ol' romantical fullish moon shining in my window. toj from txt

okay the former prosecuter on Hardball needs to stop hollering. You have a mic lady, I'm not the bad guy I don't need you yelling at me. from web

boring training webinar...wasting time from txt

couple more rounds of bejeweled blitz on facebook then cold meds and bed from web

@sugartoes re: your welcome to Sept. I can't wait for it to be cold enough for sweaters from web in reply to sugartoes

sigh...too tired for this from txt

each payday I fantasize about packing up the car, the dog, and running away. unfortunately $$ wouldn't last long. from txt

sigh. sunday morning from web

I <3 class="entry-date" href="http://twitter.com/wstsnd_walker/status/3637762924" rel="bookmark">7:19 AM Aug 30th from txt

football games are more fun to watch with friends from txt

lollers at Chris Matthews telling people to go visit Washington DC because there's lots of free stuff that you've already paid for from web

goodness....I'm really being a slug this weekend from web

doing corporal work of mercy (bury the dead). watching teddy kennedy's funeral and burial. done all but one, need to visit a prisoner hmmmm from web

back to work in 1/4 of an hour from web

tweeting to find later 2 :http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2009/8/26/772895/-Ted-Kennedy-Rides-a-Bucking-Bronco-in-a-MT-Rodeo,-with-Photo from web

tweeting to find later: http://bit.ly/1eHx2m from web

am hearting that Tom Colicchio from Top Chef is doing Diet Coke (blargh!) commercials from web

@sugartoes roflmao....suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure it was from web in reply to sugartoes

Cream Cheese Won Ton experiment a success! Have duplicated my favorite appetizer. I rule!!!! from web

RIP Ted Kennedy from txt

are you sure its not operator error? from txt

awesome NCIS commercial with LL, Chris, and Pauly from txt

a little sad. friend is winging his way south from txt

lazy sunday. fun movies and a friend. ftmfw from txt

at the space needle woo! from txt

glad I saw district 9...a scosh more gore than I was expecting from txt

waiting for district 9 hope it's good from txt

additionally thiis early morning....omg picking up company from airport. plane arrives in 25 mins from txt

First time I've heard an #IAVA Comm of Vets commercial on AM1090 Seattle. This am @7:30. To be honest don't usually listen to radio in am. from txt

if you're going to ask someone for a ride you should be mindful of their time. i have stuff to do. from txt

in the immortal words of Baby: I carried a watermelon (actually 2). from txt

is cleanin'. This is when I always decide I have too much STUFF. (also 600 posts) from web

pancake puppies at Denny's ftw!!! taste like pancakes look like donut holes from txt

@DavidShuster check out Group Health WA State http://www.ghc.org/about_gh.... Been around since 1947. Mostly has a good reputation from web in reply to DavidShuster

4 tweets til 600. Gonna watch @maddow on #mtp woo! from web

@sugartoes I had been out and back while you were snugglybears inbed LOLz (two new OPIs, 1 new China Glaze & 3pak of mini opi gratis) from web in reply to sugartoes

watching Hot August Night Concert with @NeilDiamond ftw!!!!! I heart him so much. from web

company is in fact coming and I am so excited from web

typed labels on a typewriter....holy cats that was aggravating from txt

portion of proceeds to #IAVA http://www.ebbets.com/produ... from web

LOLz from Ranger Up http://bit.ly/2h6bGC from web

want! r/t @archiemcphee ... First Amendment Bag, Perfect for librarians and anyone who loves Constitutional Freedoms! http://is.gd/2aJqz from web

just found out will have house to self this week. hey sis, if ya wanna, you can visit - not that you couldn't otherwise but hey. from web

awesome hoofin music. coffee and cake. fountain to watch hopin th rain holds off for 30 mins or so from txt

the irony of a "have a nice day" when buying midol et al at the drugstore is pretty entertaining -- yet appreciated from txt

walkin thru the seattle art museum sculpture park from txt

the irony of a "have a nice day" when buying midol et al at the drugstore is pretty entertaining -- yet appreciated from txt

slow start saturday. gonna clean half my room today and half tomorrow. woot from web

okay these people who think universal healthcare = euthanasia are crackheads from web

had a great day from web

woot! lee and ling back home unexpected bonus seeing Bill and Al together again http://bit.ly/2Z2lbR from web

went for a walk, came back and was stretching - poochie stretched too! from web

oh sweet, sweet air conditioning from web

r/t @gideonyago @PaulRieckhoff Then get ready for the Red Dawn remake, coming 2010: http://www.imdb.com/title/t... if happens plz dnt suck from web

really? soldiers in mid east, vets need healthcare, 1 in 4 american kids live in poverty and we're spending hours on "the beer summit"- sad from txt

bored bored bored waiting for my part in this fiasco..bonus. been told I have to be at a meeting in the morning..finding a replacement from txt

did not wake to miserable heat so thats good from txt

am I a bad person because I am avoiding the person who roped me into working with kids OUTSIDE for 5 of the hottest days evar here? from txt

Glenn Beck & Michelle Malkin are horrible horrible people. They should be ashamed of themselves. from txt

piss on having to cut out 150 hearts from txt

suffering (ha) in heat for jesus from txt

i know i'm a whiner..but if it were 30 degrees cooler it would be perfect weather from txt

Walter Cronkite Remembers - the 8 part series on Discovery ftw from web

ya know what guy..unless you are the hottest thing walkin' don't be bad mouthing "unattractive" women from txt

*Blue Angels are next week from web

watching seafair doings excited for Blue Angels from web

saw Star Trek again. probably the last time until DVD from web

the shade, a breeze, and patsy cline...I'm happy from txt

Buying even if I don't drink that much coffee. Support Vets @IAVA http://bit.ly/dfLwU from web

Would George the Lesser have ever tried to fix a poorly chosen comment like this? I think not. A good man is Our President. brings a tear. from txt

heat's creepin' up starting today.....don't like that really from web

G. Gordon Liddy = freaking MORON on Hardball from web

lollerskates...so. thing for saturday is cancelled but friend "scheduled" a "meeting" so that i don't hafta go to another thing from txt

sittin with yummy warm drink at ferry terminal starboffee waitin' for sis from txt

is mooning over the sweetness of her semi-famous crush. *~*sigh*~* from web

on a humorous note, I Survived a Japanese Gameshow, cracks me up! from web

really? have these troglodytes not seen the videos of nazis burning books? http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/... from web

is thankful for the breeze keepin' my room cool from web

Painting nails "Mr. Right Now" - it's a maroon color from web

is being very lazy today. from web

not to mention it would be an hour on Veterans and War (grrrr misplaced apostrophe in previous message) from web

is wishing someone would do a whole hour on Veteran's/War issues so she can watch @PaulRieckhoff for more than 5 mins. **grin** from web

bumble bees all over the clover from txt

takin' the dog out to walk from web

my sister @sugartoes is a bad bad person for getting me involved in How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria. grrrrrr I should be sleeping from web

star trek just as good the seecond time from txt

rt @PaulRieckhoff Keep American #POW, PFC Bowe Bergdahl, in your thoughts & prayers http://tinyurl.com/l69k6r You are not forgotten, Soldier from web

is excited to go to Outback for dinner from web

harry potter i heart you! can't wait for last two from txt

just watched @paulrieckhoff on msnbc. thx dvr. swoons a little. keeping vets issues at the front from txt

seriously Pat, seriously?!!?! r/t @mmfa CLIP: Pat Buchanan: "This has been a country built, basically, by white folks" http://bit.ly/z10fN from web

cries....replay of Apollo 11 liftoff on CNN. http://www.wechoosethemoon.... from web

lolz at chandra levy's giggle at/and need for a step to announce emmy noms from txt

@sugartoes sure sounds like a plan from web in reply to sugartoes

curse you neighborhood burger/sandwich joint!!! stop blowing your french fry & onion ring smell towardl me from txt

why can't I go to bed early? from web

always feel a bit of fish out of water at the hardware store from txt

have seen former high school acquaintance in 2 or three t.v. commercials recently. suspected he'd be a comedian when we were in school from web

catch me at the right time and a bruce springsteen song can break my heart a little from txt

and omg squirrels to CHASE! from txt

at park with poochy..soooooo much to sniff! from txt

Sotomayor should get confirmed just for listening to Sen. Cornyn R-tx from txt

why is levi johnston getting to talk about palin on today? from txt

Harry Potter geeky times had movies playing on ABC fam most of weekend as background from web

naptime....sunday naps yum! from web

***Thunders*** eek! from web

awesome opossum clouds from txt

tearing up a little to see Obama family at the Cape Coast Castle from web

teen cribs on mtv makes me want to cry from txt

okay. teenage boy practicing harry potter wand moves in gas station parking lot while world goes by -- you kinda rule -- takes nerve from txt

watching Serenity bonus features to cheer myself up from web

glad people see this: r/t @PaulRieckhoff From dinner tonight: underpaying teachers is like underpaying the dude who packs your parachute. from web

mmmmm blue skies smilin at me from txt

Welcome Home Stennis http://bit.ly/21hS4 from web

the poochie is making carrots interesting by flinging them around before crunching them. cute stuff! from web

admitting full on, I'm a geek, Daniel Radcliffe on Letterman and Today--stinkin' adorable from web

oh sigh, "take care". Evening made! LOL -- cryptic much? from web

lolz faux Harry Potter tweets: http://bit.ly/OzcE8 from web

omg "aunt barbara" guy ing drag top tupperware sales person. brilliant! search #MSNBC from txt

okay newsreaders on #MSNBC & #CNN --I don't want your snarky opinion with the news. I watch evening shows for that. from txt

"Good on Ya!" Rep. Patrick Murphy (d-pa) for sponsoring a bill to repeal #DADT from web

am wearing a sweater to walk the dog. in july from txt

@sugartoes lol....oh noesies your toesies!!!! from web in reply to sugartoes

going to bed. strangely at peace tonight from web

surprising emotional reaction to "Soon and Very Soon" while casket is rolled into the staples center. great choice of a song from web

ya know, i'm tickled that the MTV news people, Alison Stewart, Gideon Yago, and Serena Altschul have "made good". from web

deets from txt

hay wait! I went over 500 updates. woo! from web

r/t @PaulRieckhoff 12,232 views-great work. Thanks everyone for helping! We should have 14K by Mon. ... http://tinyurl.com/lbzflo from web

go here: http://bit.ly/13gkZy it's cool from web

I heart Neil Diamond!!!!!!!!! from web

A Capitol Fourth! A tradition that we watch and that dad complains about how the National Anthem is sung. from web

"Cool Rider" Grease 2. Oh yes! from web

have posted to facebook! r/t @ PaulRieckhoff 8,949 views! Incredible! ... get us to 14K by the 4th! http://tinyurl.com/lx3sus! from web

Am now reconnected. Hooray. from web

leaving wilderness now from txt

could make some if you're going to ma and pa's ths wknd. 'cuz I haven't cooked ennough this week from txt

look at this stuff isn't it sweet? still kickin in the toolies. from txt

thank you God for sending a SEAL. Now please send one who's single. ROFL from txt

end of day feet and back hurt. bonus someone else does dishes from txt

stuck in traffic in duvall. duvall!?!?! lol from txt

into the woods I go from txt

ENOUGH!!!! He died on Thursday. I'm tired of hearing about it. Did listen to The Number Ones CD today. "You are not alone" from web

honestly, I miss having gay friends especially when pride rolls around. usedta have so much fun at pride events. from web

watching a tv show where people are watching election night - the thrill still chokes me up from web

anticipating deluxe nachos for dinner (deluxe = cheese + whatever you like). from web

RT @CourageCampaign Lt. Dan Choi's military trial is on Tues. Help him fight DADT by signing a letter of support http://bit.ly/4mrJ27 from web

checking news..apparently nothing has happened since MJ died. horse puckies! from txt

omg Nathan Fillion in a bonnet....rules! from web

agreed!!!RT @PaulRieckhoff Very bothered that the media can't cover MJ & Iran simultaneously {...}One story dominance strikes America again. from web

have started watching the series Firefly on dvd from txt

the world should be happy to know that I earned 100% on my food handler's test on the first try from txt

don't read if eating..."we call it the fecal-oral route of transmission. Everyone else calls it gross" yup,yup we do from txt

also..first time in city hall chambers for food handlers class not for civic reasons from txt

lols food card class like first day of school...nobody is talking from txt

don't mind the bench thing but theres a craft store nearby would rather be home base there lol from txt

sittin on a bench waiting for the nature walk to end. walked the before lunch half - bein the home base for 2nd half from txt

feeling a bit superfluous on a nature wslk. could have stayed home really from txt

goin' to hang out with teens in nature....eh from web

here it is: http://www.pbs.org/wnet/mus... from web

fascinating show on music and neuropathology on the PBS....I heart PBS...I feel smarter when I watch from web

lolz @ Keith Olbermann reading Sanford e-mails...panflute don't cry for me argentina in the background from web

lolz puppers sprawled on back of the sofa beggin' for belly scratches from web

wow...yeah...raise your hand if you saw this coming from 65 miles away: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id... from web

i know why I'm at the grocery store at 2 o'clock on a tuesday...what about everyone else? from txt

doggie so cute I don't want to move and wake him up but have to go finish my classroom from web

rip ed mcmahon from web

putting Chess in concert on my stereo, reading a book, goin' to bed from web

oh sigh....day takin' extra weekend day then checkin' out for the summer on Tuesday. what's next I wonder? from web

OMG!!!!!! filipino choir singing songs with irish tunes...surreal from txt

a little ashamed at how much I'm enjoying Real Housewives of New Jersey dinner party fight redux....LOLz from web

Mariners win!!!!! woo hoo a great present for mom's mother's day from txt

top o' the third d-backs 1 M's 0 boooooo from txt

garlic fries concession FAIL slowpokes from txt

take me out to the ball game!!!! from txt