two days in a row

gracious, I must be full of stuff.

So, I started classes last week. The classes are in preparation for me movin' on up professionally. Two things happened this week that reinforced the necessity for this move.

Thing 1: Met with my boss (we now have weekly meetings). First I have to admit that I totally read into her tone of voice. We discussed a couple of things. I broke it to her that I would not be making it to back to school night because it was the first night of my Tuesday class. She proceeded to ask (in a tone of voice that was really really skeptical), "How are you going to do this?" I asked back time wise or financially? Time wise she said. At the time I said, "it's doable and I'm setting myself up to be very very organized". The more I thought about this exchange the more angry I got with her. What happened to being supportive? The answer that has been in my head since this meeting is, "I'm doing it because I have to. I'm doing it because I have so little professional respect for you right now that I have to move on. I'm doing it because I know I can be better at it than you". There it is. And then.....

Thing 2: Necessary information: she was already scheduled to be gone at a Retreat thingy on Thursday. My phone rings at 7:25am Thursday. I know who it is before answering.

"Hello?" says I
"Good morning {my first name}, how are you?"
"I'm fine," I say and before I even get a breath {and I kid you not}
"Now, what are you going to ask me?" she says. {no really, like I'm 8 and she's teaching me manners}.
"How are you?(in an I can't believe she prompted me to ask this tone)"
And the conversation goes on she doesn't feel well she can't be there I'm going to go out for "playground duty", yadda yadda yadda. I point out that she wasn't going to be there so I had planned on Playground Duty anyway. I reassured her that I would call her if anything was needed. Also annoying she's an extremely slow and deliberate talker. GAH get to the POINT!!! but often she doesn't have one.

OH! and I forgot to mention. She asked at our first meeting why we always seem to be in conflict. Oh I don't because you read into EVERYTHING. You accused me of sticking my tongue out at you. You got in my face and told me to cheer up because you assumed I was ... I don't know what...angry, annoyed....because I didn't look like I had been drinking the koolaid??!?!?

She complained to the CUSTODIAN that the cafeteria coverage was too much for her that the teachers didn't like doing it and wah wah wah. That's right I heard it from the CUSTODIAN. So I took the initiative. I "asked" the boss if it was okay for me to get the cafeteria covered. She said sure. So while she was out of the office on Friday I had a bit of a come to Jesus meeting with the teachers. "{Boss's name} can NOT work in the cafeteria anymore. She is not well {chronic illness}. We need to arrange coverage everyday, if you have to cycle down so you aren't giving up your whole lunch -- then do it. This needs to be off her plate It will NOT be an issue for her any more". This was all reasonably well received except for one of the primary teachers, a constant annoyance, who said, "well maybe we should pray for some more money to pay someone to be the cafeteria person". Yep we already do that and someone else decided there needs to be two adults down there AND OH!!! did you notice we didn't get raises this year because money is so tight?!?!?!? Just suck it up for God's sake we're all in this.

I have no idea how long this can go on. She is not mentally stable and if there were such a thing as a no confidence vote, I think she'd get one. two years

A Lament?

...maybe. Tonight I've been thinking on faith. Well, to be honest I've been thinking on faith all summer. Possibly not so much faith as religion. I'm pretty sure I'm in crisis mode about my {personal} religion.

As a cradle Catholic I went along for the ride until I was out of high school. At college I tried the Newman Center and found that group to be unwelcoming and insular (not a good read for someone to get on the first Sunday of the year -- maybe the group should have been more deliberately welcoming to strangers). The closest parish to school was very small and Easter Sunday Mass had some moments that just floored me (not least of which the music director stopping a song during Mass and asking for a note). So for the four years of undergrad I became a lukewarm Catholic. I went when I was home. I still prayed, frequently, including the Rosary (Grandma got me early). Lemme tell ya you have a Rosary around and some people think you're serious. Guess you could say I took a break from organized religion.

Returned home. Had what I call a conversion experience on Good Friday -- recommitted myself to "faith" (which I think means Religion in this sense) and became very active.

I've had a couple of pretty profound religious experiences. I have no question of God's existence. I do not question the whole Jesus' thing -- love the Gospels. I believe in the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist (aforemention religious experiences thank you very much) I am very devoted to Mary and quite a few saints. This is where my faith is strong. I believe what I profess in the Creed very much.

And then there is Holy Mother Church. More often I hear people talk about being a former Catholic. A lot of what they say drove them away can be blamed on poor catechesis and some not-so-diplomatic priest who told them something they didn't want to hear. I want to defend the Catholic Church but I don't even know where to start. Not to mention the fact that there are church teachings that I don't agree with and that I think church (any and all) don't have a role in public life. Church should help form morality NOT legislation.

Admittedly I may be a little burned out. Catholic Faith has become mylife. I've taken to going to my parents' so I can go to the parish I grew up in because I don't feel like I'm "on-duty" there.

One of the problems is I've met quite a few Catholics who are the MOST un-Christian people I've ever had to interact with. I don't want someone to associate me with them and I feel like we all get lumped together. Don't get me wrong, there are way way way more Catholics that aren't petty, judgmental, and holier than thou. Too bad they're the quiet ones. (note to self: remember - - - piety does not equal holiness)

There seems to be a louder more pronounced movement toward orthodoxy (not in a good way) that scares the whatever out of me. People who have no interest in loving people to Christ but in blocking out those that don't goose-step to their view of Catholicism.

All this leads me to ask myself....."self, why do you stay?"

Half-jokingly... 1. Catholic Guilt - many Sunday mornings I talk myself out of and back into going to Mass. I'm always happy I've gone but especially here at my "work parish" it's a struggle to get myself there.

2. Grandma - I feel connection to her because many of my memories are of being at Mass with her and praying the Rosary with her. The image of Grandma asleep on the screened-in back porch in the light of a summer evening with her Rosary in her hand never leaves my mind for long.

3. History - go figure the History major is attached to the history of something. I love the tradition (both big T and little t). I love that the structure of Mass has been the same for nigh onto 2000 years. I love the prayer. I love the RITUAL. I love it, love it, love it.

4. Where the heck else would I go? It's my home. It's a haven for me.

I know I won't leave it. But, Lord, how I struggle with telling people I'm Catholic sometimes. I should NOT be ashamed of my religion. Sometimes - very close to the surface - I am ashamed.

On an up note...Tomorrow we're celebrating the feast of San Lorenzo Ruiz the first Filipino saint. There will be pancit, and lumpia, and yummy desserts. More of that Tradition.

still breathing

A lot on my mind. Still here. Hoping to get back to this as a way of emptying my brain.


Also. Irrationally upset that the democrats didn't have a booth at the fair.