A Lament?

...maybe. Tonight I've been thinking on faith. Well, to be honest I've been thinking on faith all summer. Possibly not so much faith as religion. I'm pretty sure I'm in crisis mode about my {personal} religion.

As a cradle Catholic I went along for the ride until I was out of high school. At college I tried the Newman Center and found that group to be unwelcoming and insular (not a good read for someone to get on the first Sunday of the year -- maybe the group should have been more deliberately welcoming to strangers). The closest parish to school was very small and Easter Sunday Mass had some moments that just floored me (not least of which the music director stopping a song during Mass and asking for a note). So for the four years of undergrad I became a lukewarm Catholic. I went when I was home. I still prayed, frequently, including the Rosary (Grandma got me early). Lemme tell ya you have a Rosary around and some people think you're serious. Guess you could say I took a break from organized religion.

Returned home. Had what I call a conversion experience on Good Friday -- recommitted myself to "faith" (which I think means Religion in this sense) and became very active.

I've had a couple of pretty profound religious experiences. I have no question of God's existence. I do not question the whole Jesus' thing -- love the Gospels. I believe in the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist (aforemention religious experiences thank you very much) I am very devoted to Mary and quite a few saints. This is where my faith is strong. I believe what I profess in the Creed very much.

And then there is Holy Mother Church. More often I hear people talk about being a former Catholic. A lot of what they say drove them away can be blamed on poor catechesis and some not-so-diplomatic priest who told them something they didn't want to hear. I want to defend the Catholic Church but I don't even know where to start. Not to mention the fact that there are church teachings that I don't agree with and that I think church (any and all) don't have a role in public life. Church should help form morality NOT legislation.

Admittedly I may be a little burned out. Catholic Faith has become mylife. I've taken to going to my parents' so I can go to the parish I grew up in because I don't feel like I'm "on-duty" there.

One of the problems is I've met quite a few Catholics who are the MOST un-Christian people I've ever had to interact with. I don't want someone to associate me with them and I feel like we all get lumped together. Don't get me wrong, there are way way way more Catholics that aren't petty, judgmental, and holier than thou. Too bad they're the quiet ones. (note to self: remember - - - piety does not equal holiness)

There seems to be a louder more pronounced movement toward orthodoxy (not in a good way) that scares the whatever out of me. People who have no interest in loving people to Christ but in blocking out those that don't goose-step to their view of Catholicism.

All this leads me to ask myself....."self, why do you stay?"

Half-jokingly... 1. Catholic Guilt - many Sunday mornings I talk myself out of and back into going to Mass. I'm always happy I've gone but especially here at my "work parish" it's a struggle to get myself there.

2. Grandma - I feel connection to her because many of my memories are of being at Mass with her and praying the Rosary with her. The image of Grandma asleep on the screened-in back porch in the light of a summer evening with her Rosary in her hand never leaves my mind for long.

3. History - go figure the History major is attached to the history of something. I love the tradition (both big T and little t). I love that the structure of Mass has been the same for nigh onto 2000 years. I love the prayer. I love the RITUAL. I love it, love it, love it.

4. Where the heck else would I go? It's my home. It's a haven for me.

I know I won't leave it. But, Lord, how I struggle with telling people I'm Catholic sometimes. I should NOT be ashamed of my religion. Sometimes - very close to the surface - I am ashamed.

On an up note...Tomorrow we're celebrating the feast of San Lorenzo Ruiz the first Filipino saint. There will be pancit, and lumpia, and yummy desserts. More of that Tradition.