Ya think?

Every couple of days I go over and check on The Deacon's Bench (I kinda miss the comments but I understand why they were disabled).  Deacon linked to a blog where a bishop said this:

"I am convinced that many so called Pro-Life groups are not really pro-life but merely anti-abortion. We heard nothing from the heavy hitters in the prolife movement in the last week when Florida last night executed a man on death row for 34 years having been diagnosed as a severe schizophrenic. Which personality did the state execute? Many priests grow weary of continual calls to action for legislative support for abortion and contraception related issues but nothing for immigration reform, food aid, and capital punishment. And, this is a big one, priests don’t like unfair attacks on things they highly value and esteem, like the Catholic Campaign for Human Development and Catholic Charities and Catholic Relief Services. - See more at: http://bishopsblog.dosp.org/?p=5837#sthash.DNbNR7L4.dpuf "

I'm sure that the bishop has thought this for a while.  This has been my on-going stance regarding being pro-life.  It's easy to be pro-life when it's all about cute babies.  Pro-life at the work parish is all about anti-abortion - they don't do any thing about the other issues that I feel roll into the big picture.  This makes me look upon all those people (including the priest) as hypocrites.

I get why they focus on abortion.  I get the numbers (even though I question their veracity).  But the fact that they are so SO virulently anti-abortion that they will not even consider voting for a democrat (who may be pro-life in ALL aspects except abortion) that those of us who do feel we have to hide our preference for democrats.

And of course this topic rolls into politics - it always does.

Misdirected? Maybe

I'm tired of thinking about the bullshit promises I thought I was entitled to when I was younger.  Growing up as a Catholic - the conversation is almost always "when you get married".  This was brought to mind last Friday at Mass - sittin' there with my students and the Priest mentions, the priesthood, becoming a religious or getting married.   Hey kids, Eff You if you end up unmarried - not only does society look at you like a freak - so does your church.  Oh sure, I'm probably overreacting - I'm probably *choke* over sensitive about it.  Here's the thing...I totally bought into it.

My age and unmarried and no kids. That's not what the church promised me.  It's not what I read in all my trashy romance novels.  All the t.v. shows I watched.  I'm supposed to have been married for at least 10 years by now.  I should have kids careening around. I should be living in a house in the suburbs.

Instead I'm stuck in a job I don't think I like any more in a career I may be burnt out on.  I know I'm over the place where I work.  But here's the big stick.  As of right now - can't afford to move.  Probably can barely afford an apartment - but who knows where.  On top of paying twice as much for rent - if I move away from here - I'll have to pay more for gas because I'll have to commute.

God, how I've screwed up. I feel lost.  I'm so mad at God (because there's no one else for me to be mad at).

I wish I could stop writing about the same thing all the time.  I'm tired of it bothering me and I don't know how to get past it.

On top of it all - he tortures me by letting me fall for a guy who live across the country.  Thanks.

Not just a spinster! - Fire up the knitting needles

Over the past few months I've been trying to wrap my mind around the knowledge that I'm never going to have my own children.  It breaks my heart.  I can almost hear the responses - "never is an awfully long time". No shit - tell me something I haven't considered.  During that time I've tried to accustom myself to not react in anger or profound sadness when people say things and they obviously have no idea how much pain they are inflicting. "When you have kids..."  "Do you have your own kids?" "Do you want kids?" "You'll know what it's like...someday"

No I won't.

Tonight, what seems worse than an unfulfilled wish to have my own babies is the almost incomprehensible thought that I won't have anyone to care for me when I get old.

When I first thought about opening this can of worms - I thought I had so much to say.  Attempting to write about it makes me inarticulate.

It's no small thing that this has made me angry at God.  {heh - between that and the behavior of his followers during the last election - it's a wonder I can still drag my ass out of bed for Mass} Not to worry - I'm keeping the dialog open.

I'm pretty sure that people think that being single and childless at 39 is a conscious choice.  It would be much easier, in some ways, if it had been my choice.  It's just the way things have come to be.

And then there's the really horrible unchristian piece of this...

If I'm brutally honest, sometimes I totally think, "really, God, REALLY? You let them have a kid?"  I know!  I'm AWFUL.

oh...and another thing

The idiot buys Mary Kay.  I don't know how that could possibly add to my negative view of her...(I mean besides hiring somebody to clean a perfectly clean house)...she just bugs me.

Burn Out

I'm trying to decide if I'm burned out and if I am - what do I do about it.  Do I dump 10 years of experience? If I do, where do I go?  Is it just a location problem (okay, yeah - that's TOTALLY part of the problem) or is it the whole schmeer?

OH. HELP.