I'm tired of thinking about the bullshit promises I thought I was entitled to when I was younger. Growing up as a Catholic - the conversation is almost always "when you get married". This was brought to mind last Friday at Mass - sittin' there with my students and the Priest mentions, the priesthood, becoming a religious or getting married. Hey kids, Eff You if you end up unmarried - not only does society look at you like a freak - so does your church. Oh sure, I'm probably overreacting - I'm probably *choke* over sensitive about it. Here's the thing...I totally bought into it.
My age and unmarried and no kids. That's not what the church promised me. It's not what I read in all my trashy romance novels. All the t.v. shows I watched. I'm supposed to have been married for at least 10 years by now. I should have kids careening around. I should be living in a house in the suburbs.
Instead I'm stuck in a job I don't think I like any more in a career I may be burnt out on. I know I'm over the place where I work. But here's the big stick. As of right now - can't afford to move. Probably can barely afford an apartment - but who knows where. On top of paying twice as much for rent - if I move away from here - I'll have to pay more for gas because I'll have to commute.
God, how I've screwed up. I feel lost. I'm so mad at God (because there's no one else for me to be mad at).
I wish I could stop writing about the same thing all the time. I'm tired of it bothering me and I don't know how to get past it.
On top of it all - he tortures me by letting me fall for a guy who live across the country. Thanks.
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