Over the past few months I've been trying to wrap my mind around the knowledge that I'm never going to have my own children. It breaks my heart. I can almost hear the responses - "never is an awfully long time". No shit - tell me something I haven't considered. During that time I've tried to accustom myself to not react in anger or profound sadness when people say things and they obviously have no idea how much pain they are inflicting. "When you have kids..." "Do you have your own kids?" "Do you want kids?" "You'll know what it's like...someday"
No I won't.
Tonight, what seems worse than an unfulfilled wish to have my own babies is the almost incomprehensible thought that I won't have anyone to care for me when I get old.
When I first thought about opening this can of worms - I thought I had so much to say. Attempting to write about it makes me inarticulate.
It's no small thing that this has made me angry at God. {heh - between that and the behavior of his followers during the last election - it's a wonder I can still drag my ass out of bed for Mass} Not to worry - I'm keeping the dialog open.
I'm pretty sure that people think that being single and childless at 39 is a conscious choice. It would be much easier, in some ways, if it had been my choice. It's just the way things have come to be.
And then there's the really horrible unchristian piece of this...
If I'm brutally honest, sometimes I totally think, "really, God, REALLY? You let them have a kid?" I know! I'm AWFUL.
