Personal & Maudlin

My goal when I started this blog was to not do this. I don't want to wallow in my personal pity parties but today has been hard. Not tragic. Not awful. Just hard. For me.

I'm led to this point because I just watched Michael Clayton which was really good. But it didn't improve my mood. I should have put in Cars or Ratatouille and just gone mindless. The acting was great in MC and I really liked the story but it wasn't the right mood for tonight.

A couple of weeks ago I was at Mass, and honestly felt invisible. I am sure I've felt invisible before. But before, it wasn't real. This time I felt it deeply, in my gut. I was sitting by myself and looking around and I didn't seem to register on anyone's radar. It didn't last long, one of the people I know who was sitting in front of me turned and patted my knee. Before she touched me the feeling was so clear, "nobody sees me".

Then last week I was at a baby shower. I am so happy for my friend. But I can't help wishing it was me. I'm 4 years older than she is and hell, I think I'd just be happy to be married.

Which brings us to today. A bridal shower. I really don't want to be bitter. I don't want to whine. And really what bothers me about the shower was the number of girls there who are in their teens and twenties who were very, very focused on the wedding thing. Like that was their ultimate goal. {To explain: the majority of this group are active in "Regnum Christi" a very conservative group who are very VERY orthodox Catholics}

This particular bride-to-be blurts out her status allthefreakin'time and I seriously have to bite my tongue. Yeah, I know you're getting married, but some of us aren't as lucky and feeling quite craptacular about it THANKS.

It's never been my belief that Marriage is the end all and be all. I never even considered that I would still be single at 34. I mean, God, my mom had been married 14 years by the time she was my age and had 2 kids.

I wrote about this on another blog -- the whole being single thing -- and got the "how to meet a guy" message from some random commenter (the only comment I ever got on that blog). It wasn't helpful. I've never had luck meeting men in bars (they always go for my cuter friends). All the guys I've ever "liked" saw me as a "friend"....GACK. I'm totally processing my issues in the post, as I write, it's kind of silly really. I've tried computer singles whatever....that's just a big let down.

I guess what's hardest is when I'm holding a baby {LOL spending time around this many Catholics I get to hold babies a lot) I just want so desperately to have my own kids. Currently, I'm stuck with everyone else's. Some days I feel like it will happen. But right now, most days, I feel just a little hopeless. I don't want to lose hope. I don't. But. but...

So, my mood has not been the best today.

(If you're gonna comment, don't flip me advice -- feel free to commiserate.)
And don't worry. I'll keep the personal pity parties few and far between.